I can remember the very last Wednesday as a 6th grader in the Children's Ministry at church & snotting everywhere I was crying so hard. I had genuinely LOVED that time in my life. those years practicing & performing musicals, singing solos & making friends that stood next to me years later in my wedding. I didn't want to move on. I was fine right where I was. or so I thought.
and so here I am at another one of those fleeting beautiful short seasons. 7 more weeks of this life with Husband alone & to be honest, in all my happiness... there is a little sadness too.
people like to bash on those that can't accept change. that's not really my issue, I don't mind change, I just hate endings. there are those who are always wanting life to change, always dreaming up their next adventure which is a real blessing to those of us who aren't like that. I'm married to one of those. I also shared a room with one for my whole life. My sister always wanted to rearrange our bedroom furniture & I was the one who was like, 'What's wrong with it how it is?'
I've kind of thought there was something wrong with me... like I should just be totally ok with change like everyone else. but I feel like God is showing me that though I may not love the passing of great seasons & welcome change with open arms... I have finally learned how to live in the moment.
I can be happy with where I'm at without constantly trying to go to the next thing or the next this or that.
life has become beautiful to me.
every early morning when I somehow can tear myself from the bed just in time to slip a bagel in the oven for Garrett before he leaves for work. or a night on the couch watching a redbox cuz we don't have Cable or Internet & can't use our Apple TV. even the little black socks I find in every nook and cranny that Posey can fit into but this belly can't. I find my front porch delightful when Husband is there with me, even though my front door has one coat of paint on it and the two chairs we sit in I haven't gotten to painting or recovering yet.
I love the man who has worked to make this home a home for me and for Winslow. I love him more everyday. I can't wait for him to be a daddy but part of me knows that there is something that's leaving us even as something so grand and amazing and better even, joins us.
I'm one who needs to record this. I have to write from this side of everything. so that later, I can read it and remember or someone else can know that I get it.
so if you're reading this and you're feeling how I feel... words can't really make sense with the mix of prenatal, hormonal, sad & happy, confident & anxious, emotions you feel. but know that I understand how you love your baby that you've never met before. and I understand how you have great hopes and dreams for her life. and I understand that in your desire for her to hurry up and get here, you wish you could also stop time & spend a few more moments in the company of your sweet husband whom you cherish and love so dearly. I know you are anxious about parenting. I know you wonder about a million things. but before you go on a downward spiral of depressing question marks whizzing across your mind...
God has promised to lead us.
Exodus 33:14 "And he said, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'"
my heart rests in that. I'm not just saying that either cuz it sounds super Christian or whatever. I say it because when I speak that verse, my chest relaxes, I let out a huge breath I've been holding for 7 1/2 months & rest.
God has us. all 3 of us. and I'm so thankful. because Garrett & I frequently talk about how He's never once let us down. throughout our whole lives.... God just kept loving and kept being faithful & providing for our needs. and now this is no different.
our prayers are that He continues to prepare us to disciple this little human being so she may be sent out for His bidding.
they also include a selfish prayer for us: that we would treasure these last few weeks with each other. that it'll be a time of making memories that we'll never forget & preparing for what is sure to be the greatest adventure of our lives.
I am further convinced of God's unwavering love when I think of who He gave me to walk this road with. no one better for me y'all.
so ya.
anxiety. joy. ecstaticness?. sadness. anticipation. excitement. love. hope. fear.
I feel them all. can you tell I'm 33 weeks pregnant? hah.
God has reminded me though of truth & that alone is what I rest in. and I really can rest. even if it's hard to find a comfortable position to lay down in.
so maybe I don't want to say goodbye... maybe I'm fine right where I am... but maybe that's the problem. God is calling me to greater depths. to greater moments of need for Him (aka. 3am feedings & blowout diapers). He is saying my name & no matter how much I've loved the current season of life being newly married & figuring out cooking & burning macaroni & hanging shelves and pictures and and and...I must respond. I MUST respond. and not just cuz I can't go back now. haha. not just because the baby's cooking and there's no retreat, but it's deeper than that. it's bigger than that. this is bigger than me.
I could still do this whole mom thing without really responding to Gods call & submitting to him. it wouldn't be worth it but I could try that. no, I have to respond because God demanded my life on May 31st, 1995. and my whole life he has.
every season, every moment, every hour of every day... every goodbye & hello. He's got it all.
Thank you God, You have it all.
And he said to him, "If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here. For how shall it be known that I have found favor in your sight, I and your people? Is it not in your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?" Exodus 33:15-16
