life as I know it.

so I realized I haven't blogged since the coming of our sweet girl, Winslow Raegan.
and that my friends is a tragedy. she is now 4 1/2 months. wow. they aren't kidding you when they say that the older you get the faster time flies. it's so true.

after her 1st bath at home

but man. I'm loving the whole stay-at-home mom thing. and not because it's so "cush." haha.
all the stay-at-home mom's out there laugh with me now. no it's great though.
it's fairly stress free in a sense.
I LOVE her. I was telling a group of high school senior girls yesterday what it's like loving her.
you know, we married people say to each other sometimes... "I love you more each day." but now that I have actually experienced that, I know that I haven't really fallen more in love with Garrett EVERY day.
at least not like I have with Winslow.
I had a scoche (sp?) of postpartum after she was born. for about a month, I couldn't be myself.
it honestly started getting better when breastfeeding started getting better... not surprised if those are related. I connected with her.. and loved her even, but not like I thought I should.
then one day it just started kinda clicking. but ya know, I can HONESTLY say that today I love her more than yesterday. and yesterday more than the day before. I am living it and I can feel it... ya know? like everyday, being a mom gets a little bit more awesome. I don't know if it will always feel like that. and that's ok if not. I mean there have already been days when Garrett has come home & I've said, "Here. Take her, and do with her what you want. I'm taking an extremely long shower." or I've cried about not feeling like a good mom because good mom's don't get breaks or even need them and they don't get so easily frustrated with ONE child.
Garrett is so good at speaking truth to me.

1 month old.

yesterday I slipped a Baby Einstein disc in the DVD player and laid my babe on floor.
She laid there doing tummy time glued to the tv while I curled up on the couch with my devotional & my husband's Bible (my favorite commentary) and read for a bit. It struck me how my life has changed and how you really must "roll with the punches." As I sat there reading and meeting with God to the tunes of Baby Mozart and the sound of a pleasant sounding woman saying, "Wave," "Stand Up!", "Clap!", I remembered the times at the Honor Academy when I would set up my meeting times with the Lord like some elaborate romantical date.
low lighting,
blanket in the floor,
Misty Edwards-ish music playing softly in the background,
journal & Bible out...
and sometimes for hours, I would lay there reading.. writing... scribbling.. underlining... praying... 

now I read a couple verses, then run to get a burp rag because in the second part of verse 16, she spit up all over the shag rug... which is the hardest type of rug to clean by the way. it goes down deep.

so my life is now out of control. haha.
I used to have it in control.
I used to keep my house so clean.
I used to have a flat tummy.
I used to get out in the cold.
I used to stay out late.
I used to do what I wanted.

3 months old. - Merry Christmas!

but with my messy house, flabby stomach, crazy dog & short and sporadic quiet times.... I find rest. I find rest in my God who has made all things beautiful in it's time. beautiful looks a little different than I thought it would. but it's better.

life is so beautiful. and I'm realizing... it always has been. it's just always changing to a different kind of beautiful... even a better kind.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."     -Ecc. 3:11

4 1/2 months.

Winslow Raegan Day - September 5, 2013 - Birth Story

I can't believe I am writing this almost two years later. I figured better late than never.

(I am writing this on 7/29/15 and backdating it.)

Without any further a due, Winslow's Birth Story:

I reached my due date (Sept 1) and knew there wasn't a baby coming that day.

It was a Sunday & Garrett decided we would go on a long walk. by long walk, I mean 3 hours through a few neighborhoods. by the end of it I was in pain, feeling like my belly was gonna split open and she was gonna fall right out on the asphalt. (graphic, I know.. pregnancy does this to you.) 

for the next couple days I could barely walk. our 3 hr adventure had left me extremely sore and I felt it for days. 

I had a doctors appointment on that Tuesday. My midwife that I had been using and LOVED had been extremely sick and in the ICU with Septic Pneumonia. I had been seeing the other midwife which was fine because she was very nice. But she wasn't as ok with me going as long as I wanted to wait for natural labor. My original midwife was fine with me waiting as long as I wanted. so at this appointment, she told me that she thought I was carrying about an 8.5-9lb baby & thought we should induce.

I did NOT want to induce even one tiny bit but after talking it over with Garrett, he felt we should trust her and we decided to go ahead with induction. I went in on Wednesday night, September 4. the hope was that by sometime the next afternoon, Winslow would be in our arms. They started me on a dose of Cytotec at midnight & told me it doesn't usually do anything so they would give me the other dose at 3am then Pitocin at 6am. I was nervous about all of this especially Cytotec because it has a high rate of maternal deaths but after talking to the midwife for a long time on the phone previous to being admitted, she was confident in it and so we went ahead.

this wasn't the plan, not what I'd been envisioning for 9.5 months. there was a good bit of anxiety as we began the whole process. I can remember the drive to the hospital in our little car just Garrett and I. I'll probably never forget it. It was dark out. Traffic was pretty slow. We were silent. We were anxious. We were holding hands. We were ready to meet our sweet girl but also cherishing the final moments as "just us" knowing that when we got back in the car, the empty car seat in the back wouldn't be so empty anymore.

After they started me on the Cytotec, they left me to [try to] sleep. I knew in 3 hrs they would be back to give me more so I just tried my hardest with all the cords and monitors on me to sleep as much as I could. which was none. Garrett was down at the end of the room sawing logs so when labor kicked in at 2:30am, I started trying to groan and make noise to get him to wake up. he would not, which if you know him and his sleep habits at all, you aren't surprised. so I finally resorted to shouting his name which he finally roused and came over to me to rub my back and do some counter pressure. my goal in labor was never to go all natural but to go as long as I could before getting an epidural since I had heard that it slows down your labor. I kept thinking, "Just make it to a 6, make it to a 6..."

When I went into labor, my whole body kind of "popped" and I thought my water had broken so we called the nurse and she checked but she said it hadn't so I'm still not sure what that was. All I know is the pain started. I was dilated to a 5 at that point, (walked in at a 4). I had been dilated to a 1 early (33wks) so they put me on pelvic rest but had been a 3 for a few weeks. The pain started coming and so they gave me something called Stadol in my IV and it was AWFUL. Didn't help with the pain at all and made me extremely loopy. They decided against a second dose of Cytotec since I was already in labor but gave me a second dose of Stadol and the second I got it, I went to sleep. I remember Garrett saying, "Wow. I could ask you anything right now. Would you ever kiss a goat?" I told him, "Yes but only on the cheek."

I told him it felt like someone was taking my abdomen out and smacking it into the outfield with a bat.

Stadol did a number on me and it took me DAYS (no exaggeration) to sleep it off. 

At 4am I didn't care where I was anymore, dilation wise, I wanted the epidural.

They gave it to me but I was already a 7 so I felt good about that. Then we slept for 1hr. At 5am they came in to check on me and I was fully dilated. so we called in the crew. Grandparents, cousins, aunts & uncles began arriving. But we didn't start pushing for HOURS. 

Seriously, I started pushing at 8am. That's what is frustrating about epidurals.. they don't get in a hurry to come start the pushing. I kept thinking, "If I'm fully dilated, is she just gonna fall out? They better get here soon!"

I didn't expect for pushing to be as hard as it was. It was like a workout! I guess I thought since I had an epidural, it would be easy to push but no... you're pushing a BABY out of your body. it's hard work. 

Winslow Raegan arrived at 9:13am weighing 7lbs 13oz and was 21in long. She came out with the thickest head of hair I'd ever seen on a baby and I was just sure she wasn't mine. but she was. and is.

I remember they laid her on my chest and told us the rub her and clean her off. I was so loopy from the Stadol that my limbs moved so slow but I remember every moment of it. It was crazy. The anticipation of her arrival was over but there was even more starting for her whole life, for what she would be, look like, what motherhood would be like.

She was perfect! TONS of "storkbites" that were all supposed to go away. All of them did... save one. He told us they would all fade tho, so when I took her newborn photos and was editing them, I edited the one that stayed out. Her Strawberry Hemangioma stayed, but has faded SOOOOO much. I'm kinda sad it's going away even tho our pediatrician told us it would.

She has her daddy's toes, smile and crazy spirit. 

I'll never forget the day we were blessed with a safe and easy delivery but most importantly, a sweet baby girl.

it's a happy kinda sad.

I've always been the type to mourn the passing of a good & beautiful season of life. 

I can remember the very last Wednesday as a 6th grader in the Children's Ministry at church & snotting everywhere I was crying so hard. I had genuinely LOVED that time in my life. those years practicing & performing musicals, singing solos & making friends that stood next to me years later in my wedding. I didn't want to move on. I was fine right where I was. or so I thought. 

and so here I am at another one of those fleeting beautiful short seasons. 7 more weeks of this life with Husband alone & to be honest, in all my happiness... there is a little sadness too. 

people like to bash on those that can't accept change. that's not really my issue, I don't mind change, I just hate endings. there are those who are always wanting life to change, always dreaming up their next adventure which is a real blessing to those of us who aren't like that. I'm married to one of those. I also shared a room with one for my whole life. My sister always wanted to rearrange our bedroom furniture & I was the one who was like, 'What's wrong with it how it is?'

I've kind of thought there was something wrong with me... like I should just be totally ok with change like everyone else. but I feel like God is showing me that though I may not love the passing of great seasons & welcome change with open arms... I have finally learned how to live in the moment.

I can be happy with where I'm at without constantly trying to go to the next thing or the next this or that.

life has become beautiful to me.

every early morning when I somehow can tear myself from the bed just in time to slip a bagel in the oven for Garrett before he leaves for work. or a night on the couch watching a redbox cuz we don't have Cable or Internet & can't use our Apple TV. even the little black socks I find in every nook and cranny that Posey can fit into but this belly can't. I find my front porch delightful when Husband is there with me, even though my front door has one coat of paint on it and the two chairs we sit in I haven't gotten to painting or recovering yet.

I love the man who has worked to make this home a home for me and for Winslow. I love him more everyday. I can't wait for him to be a daddy but part of me knows that there is something that's leaving us even as something so grand and amazing and better even, joins us. 

I'm one who needs to record this. I have to write from this side of everything. so that later, I can read it and remember or someone else can know that I get it. 

so if you're reading this and you're feeling how I feel... words can't really make sense with the mix of prenatal, hormonal, sad & happy, confident & anxious, emotions you feel. but know that I understand how you love your baby that you've never met before. and I understand how you have great hopes and dreams for her life. and I understand that in your desire for her to hurry up and get here, you wish you could also stop time & spend a few more moments in the company of your sweet husband whom you cherish and love so dearly. I know you are anxious about parenting. I know you wonder about a million things. but before you go on a downward spiral of depressing question marks whizzing across your mind...

God has promised to lead us. 

Exodus 33:14 "And he said, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'"

my heart rests in that. I'm not just saying that either cuz it sounds super Christian or whatever. I say it because when I speak that verse, my chest relaxes, I let out a huge breath I've been holding for 7 1/2 months & rest. 

God has us. all 3 of us. and I'm so thankful. because Garrett & I frequently talk about how He's never once let us down. throughout our whole lives.... God just kept loving and kept being faithful & providing for our needs. and now this is no different.

our prayers are that He continues to prepare us to disciple this little human being so she may be sent out for His bidding. 

they also include a selfish prayer for us: that we would treasure these last few weeks with each other. that it'll be a time of making memories that we'll never forget & preparing for what is sure to be the greatest adventure of our lives. 

I am further convinced of God's unwavering love when I think of who He gave me to walk this road with. no one better for me y'all. 

so ya. 

anxiety. joy. ecstaticness?. sadness. anticipation. excitement. love. hope. fear.

I feel them all. can you tell I'm 33 weeks pregnant? hah.

God has reminded me though of truth & that alone is what I rest in. and I really can rest. even if it's hard to find a comfortable position to lay down in. 

so maybe I don't want to say goodbye... maybe I'm fine right where I am... but maybe that's the problem. God is calling me to greater depths. to greater moments of need for Him (aka. 3am feedings & blowout diapers). He is saying my name & no matter how much I've loved the current season of life being newly married & figuring out cooking & burning macaroni & hanging shelves and pictures and and and...I must respond. I MUST respond. and not just cuz I can't go back now. haha. not just because the baby's cooking and there's no retreat, but it's deeper than that. it's bigger than that. this is bigger than me. 

I could still do this whole mom thing without really responding to Gods call & submitting to him. it wouldn't be worth it but I could try that. no, I have to respond because God demanded my life on May 31st, 1995. and my whole life he has. 

every season, every moment, every hour of every day... every goodbye & hello. He's got it all. 

Thank you God, You have it all.

And he said to him, "If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here. For how shall it be known that I have found favor in your sight, I and your people? Is it not in your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?" Exodus 33:15-16