VOICES

SO MANY VOICES. Like wow.

Everyone’s like, hey, I got something to say!

And I’M SURE YOU DO! Don’t we all? I feel like there are only a few times in my life when I’ve honest to goodness been rendered speechless because for the most part, I have something to say about it all.

Now, what I have to say on the matter, I will most assuredly speak with passion and then a few weeks later, I will gather more information and probably recant what I spoke so vehemently about several weeks prior. It’s exhausting. And it leaves my very Enneagram Type 1 self feel so dejected and disenchanted with myself.

Side bar: I think the Enneagram is a great tool, not the Gospel and not always true, but can be beneficial in relationships. In fact, the Enneagram is one of the topics that I used to talk about all the time. I was a huge proponent. Then I did some more research and came up with some things that made me question it. But I still find it helpful in some ways.

Now before you get all SJW on me, don’t hear what I’m not saying. There are some very real things happening in our country and in our world that some people need to wake up and recognize. Things that have kept me up at night. Things I have pleaded with God about. Things I didn’t want to know but have to know.

I feel like there are absolutely times to speak up and speak out.

BUT

Every issue? No.

Every circumstance? No.

Every injustice? No.

Wait...... I shouldn’t speak up and out about EVERY INJUSTICE?? WHY NOT??!!? 

People need to know where I stand right? They have to know right from wrong and who else will speak it to them for ME?!??! 

Oh wow. Have I ever toiled over this subject.

Listen friend.

Sometimes, it’s just noise. It’s just more noise. And there’s so much freaking noise out there, that no one is even listening anymore. Everyone is numb. It’s like driving down the highway with 3 hours left to go and the baby and 2 and 3 year old are all 3 screaming and/or singing and at some point you just turn off the radio because there’s TOO MUCH NOISE. You now are staring at the road before you, unable to form a conscious thought. Am I right?

You know why I make my bigger kids who don’t nap anymore have a quiet time?

Because it’s important to rest. It’s extremely important to learn to be quiet and still. We don’t always have to be on. We don’t always have to run at level 10. It’s a healthy, good and dare I say, biblical practice to SHUT THE HECK UP SCHNEEBLY. (10 points if you can guess that movie reference!)

And so, in conclusion, I say, give yourself permission. Permit yourself a little grace to not always take up your sword. I’m hearing a lot of this, “Your silence means you side with the enemy” type message. I’m sorry well-known author but I’m also hearing “Where words are many, sin abounds.” (Proverbs 10:19)

Permit yourself to not have to weigh in on every subject. To not call everyone out. And please for the love of Pete, find a way to laugh a little.

I’ve recently taken up recreation. I know, I know. It sounds silly. But for years, I have spent every one of my waking moments, reading non-fictions, not watching tv (especially in the last 6-12months), and if I’m not reading, I’m listening to a sermon, teaching or podcast. Constant feed of good, rich stuff, but 

all. so. serious.

So, I’ve recently started watching Heartland. Now, I’m not proud to admit that I have never binged harder than I have with Heartland. It’s like taking a starving kid to a grocery store. You gotta take baby steps ya know? Well, I didn’t. I’m currently on Season 10 and I won’t give you any spoilers but, can I just say... TAKE ME TO CALGARY!!!

I mean really, where’s my Canadian passport already? Also, Santa, I want a horse. I need to ride with the wind in my hair! I need a horse. I want to “tack” up a horse and “muck” out their stall. JK about that last part.

Can I just tell you guys a funny thing about this though, in all seriousness? I honestly feel like bringing a little bit of fun and laughter and just overall ... relief... is making me a better mom and wife. That sounds crazy. But I feel like, all I have done for years is just trying to read and consume as much literature and teachings as I can to be a “responsible adult” and my poor anxiety-ridden body and brain are exhausted!

I need life! I need adventure! I need a horse!

I also believe that God made me to love a good story. Ask anyone that knows me, I tell the longest ones. Too many details. #sorrynotsorry

I almost felt guilty for watching anything other than American Gospel or a documentary when I turned on Netflix. But ya’ll the world is so heavy right now. We all need to lighten up a bit.

This is what you need to do:

1) Shut the heck up Schneebly. (Pronounced SHNAY-BLAY)

2) Go pour out your heart to Jesus and then LISTEN TO JESUS.

3) Grab your fave snack.

4) Go turn on S1E1 of Heartland. It’s on Netflix. Go. Run. (When Calls the Heart is a goodie too.)

5) Enjoy.

There you have my very rigorous, 5 step program for surviving the seriousness of this world. Who knows.... a couple seasons in, you might feel just good enough to get back in the ring.

Ya’ll. God is our avenger. He IS coming to right every wrong. And he knew about allllll this stuff long before we found out about it. Let the Holy Spirit convict. God is working all things together for our good.

Praying you find rest in that.

Homeschooler Homeschooling

Well, it’s me again. Twice in one week, that’s gotta be some kind of record or something.
I’m just chalking it up to being bored though we all know when you are homeschooling a Kindergartener and a 1st grader with a couple Preschoolers who want in on the action, it’s anything but boring around here.

The road to homeschooling for us has been bumpy, thought I will say, I honestly didn’t expect that in the least due to the fact that Garrett and I were both homeschooled growing up. But let me say, there is a far cry between being homeschooled and HOMESCHOOLING YOUR OWN CHILDREN WHOM YOU LOVE AND ADORE AND WANT TO SQUEEZE AND ALSO NEED SPACE FROM AFTER YOU EXPLAIN THE DIRECTIONS FOR THE 5TH TIME TO BE MET WITH A BLANK STARE.

I am, by no means, a patient woman. You can ask my husband. I have had 3 children under 3 and 4 children in 4 years and Let me tell you the thing I heard the most when I had one in a sling or on my hip was, “Wow. I don’t know how you do it! You are superwoman!” that or .... “Wow. You have your hands full!” (as the person proceeds to not hold the door for me.)
I’ll save my motherhood journey and my lack of patience within it for another post for another day, but let’s just suffice it to say, this task oriented, bulldog, impatient mama is learning a lot with homeschooling. Personally, I was homeschooled from 5th grade and up, Garrett was homeschooling all the way through. I have ZERO clue what a child is supposed to learn and when. I am a Studio Art/Painting/Drawing major. I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing. BUT! I know this is what we are supposed to be doing. So.... PEACE.

We actually started homeschooling last year for Winslow’s Kindergarten year. If you’ve ever met my 2.5 year old who was 1.5 years old at the time, you can guess how that went. We did school with all the chairs on the dining room table. It was a mess. He was constantly grabbing markers and crayons and .. glue... oh the glue. It was not the best environment for learning, that’s for sure. There were tears. From both of us. From all of us.
So we ended up sending her to the public school mid-October and it was AWESOME. Well.... I will use the word AWESOME loosely. She had almost zero friends, but then COVID-19 happened and then other things happened annnnnd here we are.

We went ahead and started our school year and as I type, the girls are finishing up Day 4 of Week 3 of school. I’m super proud of them. I’m especially proud this week because they have knocked it OUT. OF. THE. PARK. I mean I am totally giving them candy after they finish each subject, but hey, it’s working. And I like results. :)

I decided this go around to focus less on curriculum and more on the environment of learning. So we turned our front brick room into a school room, got rid of the bed and other furniture, put in a table and viola! The sweetest, most conducive school room ever! I’m so thankful. It’s literally been a lifesaver the past few weeks! I know lots of people homeschool at the kitchen table and so did I! Well, that or the tree outside, or the trampoline, or the couch... but my kids aren’t there yet. It just really helps that it’s in a room that once we’re done, we can leave, shut the door and not worry about it until the next day. I’m super thankful.

Now that I’m homeschooling two VERY different children.... I can understand why I put Winslow in mid semester last year. Sullivan and Winslow are pretty different from each other. I could write a whole novel on that alone and how when I was pregnant with Sulli I thought, “Cool,... Just do everything we’ve just done!” Yeaaaaahhhh.... rightttttt....

Sullivan is pretty focused. She learns quickly. She is too smart for her own good. She wants to be the fastest at everything. She asks me all day, “Mom, is Winslow ahead of me?” She wants to make sure she gets done first... always. It’s exhausting a bit, but efficient. Because of her tenacity, she’s doing 1st grade work. Her and Winslow do the same math & I accidentally bought 1st grade Language but she’s keeping up with it so I’m rolling with it.
Winslow is a different story. She is my tender hearted one and always up for anything fun or telling a good story. She’s a dreamer through and through. As my dear friend Kylie says, “She’s never had much hurry in her.“ SO TRUE. She is smart. She is willing. But goodness, is she spacey. Like wow.
The first week, I was like, “NOPE. This is why I sent her to school.”
Garrett went in to her room one night to talk with her about it and she told him, “I just would rather be dreaming than doing school.” Listen, I don’t pretend to be a homeschooling expert. I literally have no clue what I’m doing it. BUT, I do know that I don’t want to repeat myself 20x for 1 section of grammar/phonics. And I don’t know much about this, but I know I shouldn’t have to. So we’ve instituted lots of rewards and so farrrrr.... it’s working. Like I said, week 3 over here.

I’m also learning to be flexible. Go with the flow. Let some things slide. Let her work at her own pace. And she’s getting better at being able to focus in a room with 4 other people doing 4 different things. It’s an adjustment, but we’ll get it. We’ll get by I’m sure with a few FaceTime calls with my Mom, MIL, SIL, pastor’s wife, gosh... you if you homeschool!

I love how different each of my kids are. They are definitely some of my favorite people out there. They have different personalities, they approach life differently, they have different levels of bravery, but they are each a huge gift to G and me and we couldn’t be more grateful.

As always, the Lord is teaching me about patience. How to bridle my tongue and how to best serve each of my very different children. Sometimes that involves some Blippi for the younger two so the older two can focus a little better. Sometimes it’s baking cookies with my girls even though it will go so much faster if I do it myself.

I guess we’re all in school these days. I have the cutest nuggets for classmates too.

Hello Again.

Well, it’s been a MINNNUTE.

I feel the hostile grounds of social media lately, and in an effort to relieve some of my creative tensions while not inundating my brain with total CRAP-OLA... I am feeling the need to just write a few things down.
Life these days, our thoughts, our ideas... maybe some record of some of the projects we do around the house. WHATEVER!
We’ll see. Maybe I won’t stick with it. Then again, I’ve always wanted to be an author. So maybe I’ll just author this page... nothing big.
It’s late and I’m honestly supposed to wake up in 4.5hrs for the gym but I thought I’d jot my thoughts down while I had a minute.

Today was Day 2 of Week 3 of our homeschooling journey. Homeschooling is a whole post in and of itself and a topic for another day... BUT, it was actually a great day. I am absolutely bribing them with candy and IT. IS. WORKING.
Less fuss.
Therefore, it shall continue.

Nothing too interesting about our day EXCEPT... we FINALLY caught the Ice Cream Man. Every now and then, we hear the music, but he never drives close enough for us to flag him down. Tonight though, there he was!
The kids were ecstatic. ANNNND good thing I had a $10 hanging around in the cash jar from something I sold on FB Marketplace.
Congrats Kids, you just ate your rocking moose for dessert!
Here’s a pic from our night. They are my fave fab 4.

Anyways... signing off for the night because again, gotta wake up in a few hours.

KILL. ME.

XO - B

Austin Trip 2019

So we have been in Austin this weekend for a short little family getaway. Oh you guys! It has been a blast!! Now I know what some of you are thinking, traveling with four kids ages five and under? They are crazy! And I will admit, that there were some moments in the weekend that I would have agreed with you. But I will also say, and for anyone who knows me, I don’t believe that we should stop doing adventurous things just because we have little kids. 
BTW, the day we got there, Sulli asked “Are we in Bostons or Austins?” 😂 so the whole time we were there, those names were used interchangeably by the kids. 

I will also say, there have been many times and situations where I haven’t done something because I was afraid of how the kids would respond. But they always surprise me. They are able to handle so much more than I give them credit for. We ate a lot this trip. Good, good food!

If you guys are ever in Austin, I have some friends there, and lots of recommendations for some good eating.

So all in all, I think it’s really important to find some kid friendly restaurants and kid friendly things to do anywhere you go. For us, it was going to the aquarium and going to places that we could sit outside and not worry about them being too loud. Thankfully, Austin has a ton of places to go and sit outside. The only downside to that is the heat. But it honestly wasn’t too bad. I also think, that going anywhere with kids this young, you need to stay somewhere that has a pool. 

I honestly think that if we had done nothing else but stay in the hotel and swim all day every day, these kids would’ve been happy little campers. All four of them are a little fish. Even Fisher, which I have never had a kid who was as unafraid of the water as he is and so young! He is turning out to be rather fearless, just like his older sister Sullivan. The other two, Winslow and Wilder, are the more cautious types. They are very leery before diving into anything headfirst. I love that about them, just like I love the other two’s impulsivity (though it may land us in the ER someday soon.) All of mine love adventure, all of them want to be in the mix with other people, and all of them love to party. They also love learning, which is why I think the aquarium was such a good fit for them right now. I think we all needed some family time. Just some time to be together without our normal crazy schedule.

My parents ended up meeting us there for the last day of our trip & we were thankful to have a couple extra set of hands. But also, Garrett & I are just the type of people — anything fun, we want to share with others. So Mom & Dad were troopers even when I made us drive into downtown traffic to go to Big Top (a retro candy shop on S. Congress) it was crazy hot, & there were so many people, but the kids had fun & are STILL nursing their bags of candy they hand picked out.

Some places we eat at AND LOVE in Austin:

• Torchy’s Tacos
• Homeslice (on 53rd)
• Tyson’s Taco’s (breakfast tacos are 😋😋)
• Might Fine Burger
• Veracruz All Natural
• Bufalina Due
• Sap’s Thai Cuisine

We also love visiting Trader Joe’s, random coffee shops & thrift stores too. I scored some classic books for the kids for 99¢/ea so it was a win. We have other suggestions of things to do in Austin that we just couldn’t get to. There’s so much to do!! We did do some exploring, a long walk, some nature exploration. So much fun.

Where are your favorite places to go out of town? Do you ever go to Austin, and if you do, what do you like to do?

Fearing the Maker

Can I tell you all a secret?
Something I hold pretty close because what comes along with it is not pretty. Not picture perfect, not cute or sweet. Not fun or exciting.
It's actually the opposite. It's frustrating and hard. Grueling and defeating.

It's not actually a secret. It's just something I don't talk about publicly, just with those who we are close to.

Garrett and I have been married for 6 years this coming May. It's been a fun, sweet & blessed 6 years. But in all those 6 years, we've never had a church home. We got married and left our home church at the same time. Reasons why and timelines don't really matter, the point is -- we've hopped. We've tried our best to find somewhere and something that we could jump into and be apart of. We've found places here and there to be apart of but never anything permanent. Never anywhere that has felt right for us.
You know what I mean right? When you walk through something specific and God speaks in it and you know that you know that you know... God has us here. Or God wants THIS. It's like what Henry Blackaby says in Experiencing God - When God speaks, you know it's Him. There's no question, no maybe... you just know.

We've teetered and tottered and have submerged ourselves in places and tiptoed in others... but God has always led us away for one reason or another. We walked roads of pain and forgiveness. We've studied the Early Church and what the body was designed for. We've been a part of church plants. We've even returned back to places we've once left only to leave again.
We've felt like we've failed. We've felt confused and over-sensitive. We've questioned and cried.
We've prayed and asked what God wants of us. Why this road alone? Why us?
We've held out our hands to him and said His will be done. We've sat in a pew and healed for a while.
When it comes to this subject... we are worn. We are tired. And why is this the place that we have to be tired in?

It has seemed sad to me before that this was our hardest part of life together. That Garrett and I just can't seem to find somewhere. Is it us? I'm sure some have thought it is. We have.
We were both created to do ministry. We have both been called separately from an early age by God to minister and shepherd and love his people. Why can we not even find a body for our family to call home?

I know what you must be thinking at this point after all that I just unloaded.

"This is so depressing."

And you're right, it's been hard. It's been a hard road. But all that hard isn't my point today. That was just backstory.
I will tell you this.
For everything that we have done and felt and cried over the past 5 1/2 years - God has been so faithful, so present and so caring for our hearts in it all.
What we have viewed as mistakes, later God has shown that he was working through it the whole time.
What we have seen as failings, he has shown us later the marks of his fingerprints in the midst.
When we sat in a pew for weeks thinking we were just consuming and feeling guilty for not serving, he healed us in those pews. He covered over the wounds in our hearts and made them feel again. Made us willing to put our hearts on the line again.

We have another opportunity coming to be apart of an Acts 29 church plant here in San Angelo. We've been so leary, so cautious, honestly, so fearful to try again. Because, what if it fails, what if it doesn't feel right again? What if God makes it a clear, NO?
Garrett and I have been praying for years for somewhere to land and every time we think "maybe", we know for sure that it's not right.
God gave us these verses this week and I know that he meant them for this situation most specifically.

“I, I am he who comforts you;

    who are you that you are afraid of man who dies,

    of the son of man who is made like grass,

and have forgotten the Lord, your Maker,

    who stretched out the heavens

    and laid the foundations of the earth,

and you fear continually all the day

    because of the wrath of the oppressor,

when he sets himself to destroy?

    And where is the wrath of the oppressor?

 He who is bowed down shall speedily be released;

    he shall not die and go down to the pit,

    neither shall his bread be lacking.

 I am the Lord your God,

    who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar—

    the Lord of hosts is his name.

 And I have put my words in your mouth

    and covered you in the shadow of my hand,

establishing the heavens

    and laying the foundations of the earth,

    and saying to Zion, ‘You are my people.’”

Isaiah 51:12-16

We find ourselves fearful. But after all that we've walked, we KNOW, that even if all our fears come to fruition, and we find ourselves here again, WE KNOW....

He will have been doing something in us through it all.

We are more than certain of His power and his all knowing character. That he has seen us this whole time. He sees us still. We find peace not in perfect circumstances (which there will never be) but in the Lord our God, who stirs up the seas so that its waves roar.

If he makes the waves roar again, we are confident that he will again, as he has done, cover us in the shadow of his hand. Let's be honest, we're pretty used to these rocky waters.

My sole comfort is that last line --

'You are my people.'

Thank you Jesus that you see me and say "Mine."

We are his.

How comforting it is to be His and know that nothing can touch me.

I am His.

A New Goal

Hello.

I am trying my hardest to be better about recording my thoughts, what God is teaching me & what our life looks like. I feel like so much has happened in short years that we have been married but there is little to no record of it. So #newyearsgoal. Record more. Everyday or every other. Just a blurb or two about our life, my heart, whatever is happened. 

We are well, the house is a W R E C K & I am MORE than ready for all to get back in its place. I learn more and more with time passed, that I am type A & maybe a little anal. I try my durndest to be chill about most things. But our home needs to be sort of together for me to mentally function well. After the holidays, everything always feels a little topsy-turvy. I think it feels more so this year though because of the new babe.

Speaking of Fisher, he’s growing & growing. He eats more than any of the other kids did. He eats on both sides AT LEAST every 3 hrs if not more. But he sleeps AMAZING at night.

 I am so thankful. We weighed him last night and he weighed 10.4lbs. We go to his 2 week checkup next week so we’ll see how much he weighs for sure then but I’m so impressed. Still in NB everything, clothes & diapers. EXCEPT for socks. The boy got some long feet. So he’s in 6-12m socks. Hah. Burke feet?

Wilder slept in the twin bed last night for the first time ALL night. G put up some rails so he didn’t make a peep once we laid him down. Holla. Next step, taking his bottle away. He’s so attached. A 21m old shouldn’t be on a bottle... but alas... he is. Him loves hims milk.

Sullivan is Sullivan. Turning 3 in a few weeks time and boy is she excited for her “Onchao Budday”. Onchao is a unicorn in a very lame low budget show they love to watch. Basically, she wants a unicorn bday party. So we will do it as unicorn-y as possible.  I can’t believe she will be 3!!! The clock guys... it doesn’t stop!

Winslow is so very big these days & SUCH a huge helper. I seriously can’t believe how much of a help she is to me. We are thinking about maybe putting her in soccer or something like that to give her some social activities. She loves social settings, making new friends & meeting new people. So we know she would love it. While we were in Oklahoma for Christmas, she asked me one day if she could go outside is practice her “soccer ball” cuz she “needed to learn”. I said no because it was a high of 17° that day & everyone was in cuddled up by the fire.

Garrett & I are praying about joining an Acts29 church plant here in Angelo. We are asking God if this is something he wants us to be apart of right now. We have been married for 6 years this coming May & have decided this year we are going to pray for Vision. Vision for our life in all areas but vision spiritually, physically & vision in ministry most specifically. We also have talked about seeking out mentor ship. We are hungry to be discipled but also to pour into others as well.

It’s a comfort to me that our God sees & knows our hearts. He knows us before we do & knows us completely.

God may you be made much of and may your name be magnified through our lives.

I have felt very stifled lately & antsy. It’s probably the hormones. But I have wanted to open a shop or buy a trailer and fix it up or move out to country & raise goats & chickens or go camping with all of our kids. I get this way fairly often which sometimes ends in me biting off more than I can chew, (i.e. the 2 dogs & cat that we have gotten at different times and then had to give away later). I just want to take risks sometimes, do hard things to see if I can, try new things. All in good time I guess.

We went to the park this morning after the gym with friends and then came home for a late nap.

This week is dedicated to getting our house picked up & organized. Maybe some purging? Anyone do that after the holidays?? I just have to step back & reset. I also have NO problem working late into the night on projects like this that will allow me to check stuff off of my to do list. G on the other hand... he wants sleep. 🤷🏼‍♀️ ok, fine. We don’t go to bed without each other so one of us gives. Tonight holds two things: Laundry & rigging our outside fence so the dog stops trying to escape all our crazy.

Anyways, that’s life for today.

His Glory

Back in July of this year, I had some measurements come back from my 20 week ultrasound that suggested that the little one growing inside of me might have a chromosomal abnormality, particularly Down’s Syndrome. Somehow, Garrett & I both came to a place where we didn’t care if our sweet boy or girl had Downs,

“Please God, just let them be healthy.” 

Downs babies can have so many health issues, we just prayed for a healthy babe no matter what other bridges we had to cross. We felt God would lead us in it if he wrote it for our family. We had specialist appointments, extra sonograms, & even genetic testing done. Everything came back extremely normal. I tried my best to put it from my mind & accept that my baby was fine by all appearances, but in the back of my mind, I waited for the day when I would see him/her & hold them in my arms. There was this feeling constantly hanging over me that something could go wrong at any minute. I confess now, that I was terrified that we wouldn’t be coming home with him. At the beginning of November (due date month!!) we were sure he was coming even though my due date wasn’t until the 21st. We even went up to L/D only to be told that he wasn’t coming that day after all. I was emotionally spent & ready to see my baby. I just wanted to hold him & KNOW KNOW that he was ok. We got back home that day & before we could even unpack the car, we found a lump on the back of Winslow’s left knee. You can’t imagine (or maybe you can) how tired my heart was at that point. I wept to Garrett that day & asked God why this was the question he was placing before us. “Is my child going to be ok?” Why that question? With one of our sweet babes & now with another one.

It’s been a long few months for us of waiting & extra doc appts & question marks & tears & hip pain & googling when we shouldn’t have & praying & praying some more & holding each other tight & hoping & wondering if God has written this or that as our story & praying that we’re faithful & taking our thoughts captive & trusting. When Fisher came to us & we saw his sweet face, I felt him move against me, everything was confirmed that he’s a perfect healthy baby boy.
We cried thanking God for that sweet miracle of a boy.

A few weeks ago, we finally got into see a specialist for Winslow, we feel we can finally rest (she’s going to be just fine, 🙌🏻🙌🏻, it’s a Bakers cyst, something common & will go away in time). But this leads me to my point.

First, you have no clue the roads that some people might be walking. Sometimes, they feel like they can barely crawl, let alone pick themselves up to walk or smile at you. I pray I am as gracious as some have been to me.

Secondly, all of you who are hurting right now, whose stories aren’t ending on a happy note, or maybe you’re waiting for your ending, I see you. I hear your pain. Better than that, He sees you. He hears you. You have not been forgotten. He cares for you. 

Thirdly, the word “retarded” takes on a whole new meaning to me now. When we were unsure of Fisher’s health, words like that cut like a knife. I began to see people with disabilities, notice them & take note of their commonalities, how they interacted with others. I feel such compassion for people whose little ones are sick or dealing with some life threatening illness. My heart breaks for them. I know what it’s like now to ask God to take something from your child & put it on you instead. Which means I can sort of glimpse the heart of God to put the sins of the world on his own son, not be able to take it from him but watch him suffer for his glory.

&

Lastly, God is gracious. So incredibly gracious. He sees us where we are & he can’t leave us there. He must take us further, deeper into himself. And yes, he uses the tears we cry. Yes, he’s using the pain from this broken world. Yes, he is using the situation that seems bleak or questionable. He cannot leave us here. There is more of Him to be had friend, so very much more. Let us not lack for more of Jesus. It is all in an effort to bring us closer to himself & make much of His name. He is so worthy. 

HELLUR || Wilder James Day Birth Story

WOW... It's been a year and a half since I last posted something on here.
I don't know why but today I just felt like it was time.
We'll see what comes out. It probably won't be something life changing or even some type of revelation.

So I guess I should start with the fact that I had another sweet baby since I last posted.
Actually a few weeks after the previous one, I found out I was expecting again.
IT WAS A SHOCK. I kinda cried a little.
I remember wondering if I was pregnant because my legs had been twitching at night.
(that only happens when I'm pregnant.) So one day, after being gone most of the day, we pulled up to the house & I piled the girls into the double stroller, we walked down to the Dollar General, and I bought a pregnancy test.
I went home took it real quick before G got home and it was
POSITIVE.
I cried some... spoke in hushed, hurried, slurred, tones to Jesus, and paced.
LITERALLY PACED THE FLOOR.
I was so fearful in that moment because to be completely honest, my post-partum had been pretty rough after having Sullivan. I was so worried about myself emotionally. I mean, I had a 7 month old!

Turns out I was 9 week along already. Who knew?!
God did.

Wilder James came on April 15th, 2016 at 3:43pm.
He was my biggest baby at 8lbs 1oz, 21.5 inches long and he was 3 days early. MY ONLY EARLY BABY!
His face was extremely bruised, but it went away quickly. His face had been hitting my pelvic bone for weeks. I had been dilated to a 7 for 2-3 weeks before going into labor. We were moving, I was packing & unpacking, painting & prepping. It was chaos. But then there he was.
And only a couple hours of labor!
I had already been up at the hospital/offices because Winslow had an ear infection. I was having severe contractions while there & was swaying back & forth at the pediatrician's office. I called G to meet me at my midwife's office because I couldn't get them on the phone. They told me to immediately go to L&D. So I checked in a little after noon while Garrett ran the girls home to get situated with my sweet friend, Cait. He grabbed the bags & all the stuff that wasn't packed (I'm a high maintenance hospital guest, TONS OF STUFF) and headed back my way.
So 3.5 hrs later, there was my sweet boy!
Never has one of my kids looked so swollen, but he was. And all his blood vessels in his eyes were broken. It was sad. But everything healed so quickly & we were so happy to finally have him in his arms. His 14 mo old & 2.5 year old sisters were ecstatc to meet him & have been pretty much smitten ever since.
He will be 10 months next week & I'm so thankful that God chose us to be the parents of these 3 little blessings so quickly!

I get so many hilarious/sometimes rude comments while out and about with all of them.
MOST people are extremely nice.
Some just tell me that my husband "needs to get snipped" like it's their business or something.

But G & I just look at each other & say, "They're so great."
Being a parent is pretty fun. Sometimes, it's exhausting.
It's kinda like Six Flags... it's a blast but sooooo tiring. And sometimes vomit is involved. But sometimes so is ice cream.

Stretch Marks or Walking on Water?

This, my friends, is the story of how having kids 17mo apart is tough. real tough.

It’s the story of a lot of tears, a lot of frustrations, a lot of shameful behavior & a lot of wondering if I could do this or if I should be admitted to a crazy house. It’s a story about my imperfections.

oh, but it’s also a story of God’s power and grace in my life. 

Let me just say one more thing about this little story before you get too much deeper into it, whether you are walking the same road I am on or not, the story and the message is relevant to where you are, have been or will be some day. You may not be a mom, you may be a mom but not have kids as close as mine, or maybe they’re closer, maybe you’re unmarried, or maybe you are the grandmother of 6 or 7… God is saying the same thing to you today as he has done to me. 

So, let me start at the beginning…

I remember when I was barely pregnant with Sullivan (like 7wks) & I told someone that we were expecting again. Winslow was crawling around everywhere & she was only 9 months old. this persons response was... "No! Blair! What were you thinking?!" I was flabbergasted at the insensitivity & lack of realization of the gift we'd been given. I took it with a grain of salt & moved on, anticipation growing with each day as my belly grew & Winslow grew as well and began to talk, walk & eat table foods. 

Sullivan had been a little bit of a surprise. we had decided to try for another and then 2wks later found out I was already 6wks along. 

we were EXTREMELY confident that her little life was orchestrated by God because it was out of our hands/unplanned by us, but definitely planned by Him.

sweet Sulli came & tho she has been more demanding, she has always had the sweetest little spirit about her.

it wasn't long before post-partum hormonies set in & yikes. listen up ladies who will one day be moms. Everyone is gonna talk to you about those pregnancy hormones and boy are those boogers… but in my personal experience, the real trouble-makers… are the

BREASTFEEDING HORMONES.

[insert horror sound effect here: REEEE! REEEE! REEEEE! REEEEE!]

seriously though. they were doozies for a month or so when I had Winslow, but the first 5 months of Sullivan’s life have been an absolute WAR. a serious battle for my mind. I have cried many a tear to my poor husband, my mom, my mother-in-law and even Winslow & Sullivan. 

One day, Garrett came home to find me laying prostrate on my bed with the door shut crying, Winslow banging on the door to my room crying, and Sulli laying on the floor on a blanket crying. It’s been hard transition.

You know what’s hard: someone crying every moment of every day of your life and it’s your job to fix it, but you can’t. Someone else is always starting up the moment the other one is calming down.

You know what else is hard: having no energy for your husband when he walks in the door because you have cried, nursed, sang, read out every emotion you could possibly have and you are DRAINED.

You know what ELSE is hard: feeling like a failure every moment of the day and thinking the very same thing that someone had spoken to me when I was barely pregnant with Sulli and Winslow was crawling around on the floor… “What was I thinking?”

Every time that thought would enter my head, I would remember how she got here and that she was FROM GOD. Some of you understand what I’m talking about. You don’t wish they weren’t here… you just wish you were more capable to handle their presence a little better.

I remember asking my mom once, “Is it normal to think to myself at least once or twice a day, ‘I CAN’T DO THIS! I’M PHYSICALLY/MENTALLY UNABLE!!!” She told me yes.

Literally EVERYDAY, I would pray and beg God, “PLEASE help me. PLEASE GOD! I can’t do this on my own!” Every day I was crying more and more to Him about my need for him, but everyday as things got worse, Winslow needed me more, Sullivan needed me more, Garrett needed me more and I kept losing myself, my hope, my joy…. I began to get ANGRY.

My anger was coming out in different ways and mostly being unleashed on my sweet husband, but I wasn’t mad at him. I wasn’t mad at my sweet babies either tho my patience was growing thinner everyday.

I was angry at God.

SO ANGRY.

I was crying out to him, literally! I was yelling his name, seeking his truths, searching him out, and asking for help. but it wasn’t letting up. the hard was still coming. I loved them so much and wanted me to be ok for THEM and for myself. He wasn’t hearing my prayer! He wasn’t doing what I was begging him to do!

but then…

it happened.

He brought me so low… that He was able to speak and be heard by my hurt and torn heart.

[ T H A N K  Y O U  G O D ]

Garrett came home one day and told me to leave the house. He told me to get in the car and drive. Go have some alone time while he put the girls to bed. I protested but knew he was right. I turned the ignition and cried until I reached my destination and then cried some more. 

I went to a spot I’ve gone since I was in high school to think and have some quiet time.

I sat in the car and cried and cried. I told God how forgotten I felt. How unseen I felt. How I felt like he didn’t care. I asked him why this was so hard when I had felt so confident my whole life that this was what I was made for. I cried until I had no more tears and then I pulled out His Word.

This was one of those times, when you KNOW God, the Creator of the World, is ANSWERING you. little ol’ you. 

I read about Leah and Rachel that day. For some reason, the She Read Truth study that I was SUPER behind on, was on those two women. Ya’ll… God came into my little car. He told me something that he may be saying to you too.

First, Leah, don’t you think she had to feel just completely UNSEEN? I mean, not only was her sister highly favored by her HUSBAND, but her own father knew that she wasn’t likely to catch herself a man, so he had to trick Jacob into taking her. I mean seriously? and we say we have image issues today. This girl had to struggle with a little body image. 

Leah felt less than, not enough, and last choice. She felt unseen…

I’ve always viewed Rachel as the bratty younger sister who always got what she wanted but that’s not completely true. She was barren. I don’t know how I didn’t see this before… but Rachel was watching her older sister have SIX sons and there she was unable to have even 1. Rachel felt forgotten by God. She felt overlooked, desperate and unheard by God.

Oh but in verse 30 of that story comes the meat… 

“God remembered Rachel and he opened her womb….”

There in that car that day, God came and said to me,

You are neither unseen, nor forgotten by me.
I have seen every tear, heard every cry.

“And remember I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28:20

and he’s saying the same to you.

You are seen by the God of the universe. He knows our situations, he knows our hearts. He knows our pain and inadequacies, he sees the imperfections and loves us still. He will not abandon you. He has not forgotten you. HE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU! YOU! YOU!

You are of GREAT worth to him. Believe this truth.

The next day, I was sitting in our little blow up swimming pool in the backyard with Winslow. She was playing and I was thinking about what God had been speaking to me, feeling encouraged.

Somehow, I got distracted by the stretch marks on the sides of my hips. I was thinking to myself, ‘man… those are a bummer.’

just when I look down, I hear a splash and Winslow has slipped and gone under a little bit. I reached over to help her out and God brought to mind the story of Peter on the water with Jesus and I felt him say,

“This is why things have been so hard, Blair. This is why it’s not working out the way it’s supposed to.”

I realized that just like Peter, I am focused on my imperfections. I focus on all my “motherhood stretch marks” and the things about myself I don’t like. I focus on the situation, the realities… 

It’s when I take my eyes off of Jesus, that someone falls. I fall, my babies suffer, Garrett suffers.

I just felt in my heart that day that if I don’t start really relying on the Spirit to live through me instead of worrying about everything I’m not… my sweet babies are in danger.

All that to say…

friend,

wherever you are today…

Get your eyes off your own issues… your own insecurities, and your failures and shortcomings.

Instead of making sure everyone knows the ways you failed that day, make sure they know what God did in and through you that day.

Boast in his goodness & faithfulness.

I’d much rather hear about that than what cranny of your house you didn’t clean, what part of your body you hate, what your greatest weakness is.

You are a prized gift of God.

A Seen, Remembered, Prized gift of God.

be encouraged, because I am walking the same road you are…

the road to believing God and turning my eyes on Him.

You are NOT alone.

Sullivan Ruth Day - February 13, 2015 - Birth Story

So the littlest chicklet is 5.5 months and I haven't done this, but don't worry, I JUST posted Winslow's HERE and back dated it.... and she's almost two. I wanted to write these down so that I won't forget the details. I still remember having Winslow like it was yesterday but I know it won't always feel like yesterday in my mind so I should have it somewhere that I can remember.

Sullivan Ruth was always a little trickster.
She was EXTREMELY active, using my organs as springboards to bounce into other organs, very fond of resting on my sciatic nerve, etc. She's always been a mover.

So when I was dilated to a 5 at 36 weeks, I wasn't that shocked. I knew she was low... I could feel it.
My pregnancy with her had been a little more uncomfortable than my pregnancy with Winslow but NOTHING compared to what women experience... God bless you ladies.
Towards the end, I was pretty achy and getting really ready.

[Let me just say, in my experience, there's always a moment (or a few moments) towards the end of your pregnancy when you are laying on your bed crying, surrounded by the entire contents of your closet saying, "I'm so ready for her to be here!!!" Can I get a witness?]

So I was dilated, cervix was getting thin and I still had a month! I was sure if I'd make it to February! (Due date: Feb. 11)
Oh but I did.
On Feb. 12, Garrett took me out for an early Valentine's Day date. My parents were watching Winslow at their house and he took me to Peasant Village. We dropped Winslow off and went to dinner.
My contractions started almost immediately after we dropped Winslow off. If you know my birth story with Winslow, you know that I didn't go into labor naturally. So I wasn't really sure what to expect. My contractions were coming, but sometimes one was 3min and the next one was 3min 22sec and I wasn't sure that was how it was supposed to go. They were getting worse tho and closer together. I could feel a difference when I walked too. I was limping because I could feel her engaged.
We decided when we got to my parents to call my midwife. She had given me her personal cell phone number so I gave her a quick call and asked what to do. She thought it was probably happening and if they got worse to go in. I had already been in to get monitored once - false alarm. So I was really leery about going in again and it being another false alarm... insert Father of the Bride II scene when Annie goes in TWICE for false alarms... ugh.

We decided to go ahead and go in. We had to run home, pack bags (oops) and get to the hospital. We were pretty confident that since I had been dilated so much and Winslow's birth happened in less than 7 hours of labor, that this one would go really fast. My midwife had told me to hurry and get to the hospital as soon as I knew I was in labor.

OH HOW THINGS ARE NEVER WHAT YOU THINK THEY WILL BE.

We went in about 11pm that night. I was checked and was dilated to a 6-7. I was in early stages of labor... but almost fully dilated.
I had been adamant from the beginning that I wanted to go all natural. I had experienced some weird post partum after Winslow's birth and wanted to see how it would differ without any drugs.
We had gone to a child-birthing class to help us in the process of natural labor and learned some different techniques so we tried some of those techniques in the beginning, but honestly my contractions were painful but not consistently worsening. I kept waiting for it to really come on, but it was bad, just not that bad. Not as bad as I had been thinking it would be.
The nurses kept telling me that I was the most calm all natural patient they'd ever had.

I dilated to a full 7 somewhere in the night. Then I stalled. We were up all night going through contraction after contraction together. Garrett was slamming coffee. 12 hrs after admission to the hospital, I hadn't changed. My contractions were actually slowing down. I was tired, exhausted, frustrated, but mostly anxious. I wanted my baby and I was stressing about the pain only getting worse... my midwife wanted to break my water, but I was at a point where I wasn't even thinking clearly anymore and for some reason was really against that.
The hardest point was when Garrett and I starting debating on the epidural. Something that I hadn't even thought about the entire pregnancy! I honestly just wanted REST. I just wanted to laugh and enjoy this great day. So far it had been tiring and stressful. Garrett and I would pray and he would read over me verses we had written down for encouragement.
We were not in agreement on whether or not to get the epidural, but I ended up getting it. He just didn't want me to later wonder if I could've done it. I'll probably never try that again honestly.
After I got the epidural, we were soon laughing and talking and I was able to relax and start dilating some more. She came to check me in a hour and I was a 9. 15min later, I was fully dilated.

I pushed for 15min and she was out. My sweet Sulli Ru. The cord was wrapped around her 3x around the neck, once around the chest and once around the legs. She was caught by her Daddy, though the midwife took her right after for just a second to unwind her. She was so purple but crying and that's all we cared about. She popped a blood vessel in her eye but other than that was perfect in every way.
She was born at 12:43pm on Feb. 13, 7lbs 6oz, 20in long. 2 days over due and only 7oz littler than what her sister had been.

She latched almost immediately and ate like a champ. We later found out she was born with a lip/tongue tie which has made feeding challenging and she spits up most of the day but we have learned to deal and should have that taken care of in the next couple months.
She's the happiest little thing even though she's more demanding. It doesn't take much to make her smile and we love doing that.
She's SMOTHERED by her big sister and by smothered I do mean absolutely adored.

Making the transition from 1 to 2 kids has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life.
I've learned so much. What I've found my identity in, who I really am, who God really is, how amazing my husband is...

but those are stories for another day.

Another safe and beautiful birth story in the books... though long and not what I thought it would be, beautiful none the less. One thing I've learned with both births....

It doesn't matter how they get here, just that they're here and they're mine.