Fearing the Maker

Can I tell you all a secret?
Something I hold pretty close because what comes along with it is not pretty. Not picture perfect, not cute or sweet. Not fun or exciting.
It's actually the opposite. It's frustrating and hard. Grueling and defeating.

It's not actually a secret. It's just something I don't talk about publicly, just with those who we are close to.

Garrett and I have been married for 6 years this coming May. It's been a fun, sweet & blessed 6 years. But in all those 6 years, we've never had a church home. We got married and left our home church at the same time. Reasons why and timelines don't really matter, the point is -- we've hopped. We've tried our best to find somewhere and something that we could jump into and be apart of. We've found places here and there to be apart of but never anything permanent. Never anywhere that has felt right for us.
You know what I mean right? When you walk through something specific and God speaks in it and you know that you know that you know... God has us here. Or God wants THIS. It's like what Henry Blackaby says in Experiencing God - When God speaks, you know it's Him. There's no question, no maybe... you just know.

We've teetered and tottered and have submerged ourselves in places and tiptoed in others... but God has always led us away for one reason or another. We walked roads of pain and forgiveness. We've studied the Early Church and what the body was designed for. We've been a part of church plants. We've even returned back to places we've once left only to leave again.
We've felt like we've failed. We've felt confused and over-sensitive. We've questioned and cried.
We've prayed and asked what God wants of us. Why this road alone? Why us?
We've held out our hands to him and said His will be done. We've sat in a pew and healed for a while.
When it comes to this subject... we are worn. We are tired. And why is this the place that we have to be tired in?

It has seemed sad to me before that this was our hardest part of life together. That Garrett and I just can't seem to find somewhere. Is it us? I'm sure some have thought it is. We have.
We were both created to do ministry. We have both been called separately from an early age by God to minister and shepherd and love his people. Why can we not even find a body for our family to call home?

I know what you must be thinking at this point after all that I just unloaded.

"This is so depressing."

And you're right, it's been hard. It's been a hard road. But all that hard isn't my point today. That was just backstory.
I will tell you this.
For everything that we have done and felt and cried over the past 5 1/2 years - God has been so faithful, so present and so caring for our hearts in it all.
What we have viewed as mistakes, later God has shown that he was working through it the whole time.
What we have seen as failings, he has shown us later the marks of his fingerprints in the midst.
When we sat in a pew for weeks thinking we were just consuming and feeling guilty for not serving, he healed us in those pews. He covered over the wounds in our hearts and made them feel again. Made us willing to put our hearts on the line again.

We have another opportunity coming to be apart of an Acts 29 church plant here in San Angelo. We've been so leary, so cautious, honestly, so fearful to try again. Because, what if it fails, what if it doesn't feel right again? What if God makes it a clear, NO?
Garrett and I have been praying for years for somewhere to land and every time we think "maybe", we know for sure that it's not right.
God gave us these verses this week and I know that he meant them for this situation most specifically.

“I, I am he who comforts you;

    who are you that you are afraid of man who dies,

    of the son of man who is made like grass,

and have forgotten the Lord, your Maker,

    who stretched out the heavens

    and laid the foundations of the earth,

and you fear continually all the day

    because of the wrath of the oppressor,

when he sets himself to destroy?

    And where is the wrath of the oppressor?

 He who is bowed down shall speedily be released;

    he shall not die and go down to the pit,

    neither shall his bread be lacking.

 I am the Lord your God,

    who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar—

    the Lord of hosts is his name.

 And I have put my words in your mouth

    and covered you in the shadow of my hand,

establishing the heavens

    and laying the foundations of the earth,

    and saying to Zion, ‘You are my people.’”

Isaiah 51:12-16

We find ourselves fearful. But after all that we've walked, we KNOW, that even if all our fears come to fruition, and we find ourselves here again, WE KNOW....

He will have been doing something in us through it all.

We are more than certain of His power and his all knowing character. That he has seen us this whole time. He sees us still. We find peace not in perfect circumstances (which there will never be) but in the Lord our God, who stirs up the seas so that its waves roar.

If he makes the waves roar again, we are confident that he will again, as he has done, cover us in the shadow of his hand. Let's be honest, we're pretty used to these rocky waters.

My sole comfort is that last line --

'You are my people.'

Thank you Jesus that you see me and say "Mine."

We are his.

How comforting it is to be His and know that nothing can touch me.

I am His.

A New Goal

Hello.

I am trying my hardest to be better about recording my thoughts, what God is teaching me & what our life looks like. I feel like so much has happened in short years that we have been married but there is little to no record of it. So #newyearsgoal. Record more. Everyday or every other. Just a blurb or two about our life, my heart, whatever is happened. 

We are well, the house is a W R E C K & I am MORE than ready for all to get back in its place. I learn more and more with time passed, that I am type A & maybe a little anal. I try my durndest to be chill about most things. But our home needs to be sort of together for me to mentally function well. After the holidays, everything always feels a little topsy-turvy. I think it feels more so this year though because of the new babe.

Speaking of Fisher, he’s growing & growing. He eats more than any of the other kids did. He eats on both sides AT LEAST every 3 hrs if not more. But he sleeps AMAZING at night.

 I am so thankful. We weighed him last night and he weighed 10.4lbs. We go to his 2 week checkup next week so we’ll see how much he weighs for sure then but I’m so impressed. Still in NB everything, clothes & diapers. EXCEPT for socks. The boy got some long feet. So he’s in 6-12m socks. Hah. Burke feet?

Wilder slept in the twin bed last night for the first time ALL night. G put up some rails so he didn’t make a peep once we laid him down. Holla. Next step, taking his bottle away. He’s so attached. A 21m old shouldn’t be on a bottle... but alas... he is. Him loves hims milk.

Sullivan is Sullivan. Turning 3 in a few weeks time and boy is she excited for her “Onchao Budday”. Onchao is a unicorn in a very lame low budget show they love to watch. Basically, she wants a unicorn bday party. So we will do it as unicorn-y as possible.  I can’t believe she will be 3!!! The clock guys... it doesn’t stop!

Winslow is so very big these days & SUCH a huge helper. I seriously can’t believe how much of a help she is to me. We are thinking about maybe putting her in soccer or something like that to give her some social activities. She loves social settings, making new friends & meeting new people. So we know she would love it. While we were in Oklahoma for Christmas, she asked me one day if she could go outside is practice her “soccer ball” cuz she “needed to learn”. I said no because it was a high of 17° that day & everyone was in cuddled up by the fire.

Garrett & I are praying about joining an Acts29 church plant here in Angelo. We are asking God if this is something he wants us to be apart of right now. We have been married for 6 years this coming May & have decided this year we are going to pray for Vision. Vision for our life in all areas but vision spiritually, physically & vision in ministry most specifically. We also have talked about seeking out mentor ship. We are hungry to be discipled but also to pour into others as well.

It’s a comfort to me that our God sees & knows our hearts. He knows us before we do & knows us completely.

God may you be made much of and may your name be magnified through our lives.

I have felt very stifled lately & antsy. It’s probably the hormones. But I have wanted to open a shop or buy a trailer and fix it up or move out to country & raise goats & chickens or go camping with all of our kids. I get this way fairly often which sometimes ends in me biting off more than I can chew, (i.e. the 2 dogs & cat that we have gotten at different times and then had to give away later). I just want to take risks sometimes, do hard things to see if I can, try new things. All in good time I guess.

We went to the park this morning after the gym with friends and then came home for a late nap.

This week is dedicated to getting our house picked up & organized. Maybe some purging? Anyone do that after the holidays?? I just have to step back & reset. I also have NO problem working late into the night on projects like this that will allow me to check stuff off of my to do list. G on the other hand... he wants sleep. 🤷🏼‍♀️ ok, fine. We don’t go to bed without each other so one of us gives. Tonight holds two things: Laundry & rigging our outside fence so the dog stops trying to escape all our crazy.

Anyways, that’s life for today.