This, my friends, is the story of how having kids 17mo apart is tough. real tough.
It’s the story of a lot of tears, a lot of frustrations, a lot of shameful behavior & a lot of wondering if I could do this or if I should be admitted to a crazy house. It’s a story about my imperfections.
oh, but it’s also a story of God’s power and grace in my life.
Let me just say one more thing about this little story before you get too much deeper into it, whether you are walking the same road I am on or not, the story and the message is relevant to where you are, have been or will be some day. You may not be a mom, you may be a mom but not have kids as close as mine, or maybe they’re closer, maybe you’re unmarried, or maybe you are the grandmother of 6 or 7… God is saying the same thing to you today as he has done to me.
So, let me start at the beginning…
I remember when I was barely pregnant with Sullivan (like 7wks) & I told someone that we were expecting again. Winslow was crawling around everywhere & she was only 9 months old. this persons response was... "No! Blair! What were you thinking?!" I was flabbergasted at the insensitivity & lack of realization of the gift we'd been given. I took it with a grain of salt & moved on, anticipation growing with each day as my belly grew & Winslow grew as well and began to talk, walk & eat table foods.
Sullivan had been a little bit of a surprise. we had decided to try for another and then 2wks later found out I was already 6wks along.
we were EXTREMELY confident that her little life was orchestrated by God because it was out of our hands/unplanned by us, but definitely planned by Him.
sweet Sulli came & tho she has been more demanding, she has always had the sweetest little spirit about her.
it wasn't long before post-partum hormonies set in & yikes. listen up ladies who will one day be moms. Everyone is gonna talk to you about those pregnancy hormones and boy are those boogers… but in my personal experience, the real trouble-makers… are the
BREASTFEEDING HORMONES.
[insert horror sound effect here: REEEE! REEEE! REEEEE! REEEEE!]
seriously though. they were doozies for a month or so when I had Winslow, but the first 5 months of Sullivan’s life have been an absolute WAR. a serious battle for my mind. I have cried many a tear to my poor husband, my mom, my mother-in-law and even Winslow & Sullivan.
One day, Garrett came home to find me laying prostrate on my bed with the door shut crying, Winslow banging on the door to my room crying, and Sulli laying on the floor on a blanket crying. It’s been hard transition.
You know what’s hard: someone crying every moment of every day of your life and it’s your job to fix it, but you can’t. Someone else is always starting up the moment the other one is calming down.
You know what else is hard: having no energy for your husband when he walks in the door because you have cried, nursed, sang, read out every emotion you could possibly have and you are DRAINED.
You know what ELSE is hard: feeling like a failure every moment of the day and thinking the very same thing that someone had spoken to me when I was barely pregnant with Sulli and Winslow was crawling around on the floor… “What was I thinking?”
Every time that thought would enter my head, I would remember how she got here and that she was FROM GOD. Some of you understand what I’m talking about. You don’t wish they weren’t here… you just wish you were more capable to handle their presence a little better.
I remember asking my mom once, “Is it normal to think to myself at least once or twice a day, ‘I CAN’T DO THIS! I’M PHYSICALLY/MENTALLY UNABLE!!!” She told me yes.
Literally EVERYDAY, I would pray and beg God, “PLEASE help me. PLEASE GOD! I can’t do this on my own!” Every day I was crying more and more to Him about my need for him, but everyday as things got worse, Winslow needed me more, Sullivan needed me more, Garrett needed me more and I kept losing myself, my hope, my joy…. I began to get ANGRY.
My anger was coming out in different ways and mostly being unleashed on my sweet husband, but I wasn’t mad at him. I wasn’t mad at my sweet babies either tho my patience was growing thinner everyday.
I was angry at God.
SO ANGRY.
I was crying out to him, literally! I was yelling his name, seeking his truths, searching him out, and asking for help. but it wasn’t letting up. the hard was still coming. I loved them so much and wanted me to be ok for THEM and for myself. He wasn’t hearing my prayer! He wasn’t doing what I was begging him to do!
but then…
it happened.
He brought me so low… that He was able to speak and be heard by my hurt and torn heart.
[ T H A N K Y O U G O D ]
Garrett came home one day and told me to leave the house. He told me to get in the car and drive. Go have some alone time while he put the girls to bed. I protested but knew he was right. I turned the ignition and cried until I reached my destination and then cried some more.
I went to a spot I’ve gone since I was in high school to think and have some quiet time.
I sat in the car and cried and cried. I told God how forgotten I felt. How unseen I felt. How I felt like he didn’t care. I asked him why this was so hard when I had felt so confident my whole life that this was what I was made for. I cried until I had no more tears and then I pulled out His Word.
This was one of those times, when you KNOW God, the Creator of the World, is ANSWERING you. little ol’ you.
I read about Leah and Rachel that day. For some reason, the She Read Truth study that I was SUPER behind on, was on those two women. Ya’ll… God came into my little car. He told me something that he may be saying to you too.
First, Leah, don’t you think she had to feel just completely UNSEEN? I mean, not only was her sister highly favored by her HUSBAND, but her own father knew that she wasn’t likely to catch herself a man, so he had to trick Jacob into taking her. I mean seriously? and we say we have image issues today. This girl had to struggle with a little body image.
Leah felt less than, not enough, and last choice. She felt unseen…
I’ve always viewed Rachel as the bratty younger sister who always got what she wanted but that’s not completely true. She was barren. I don’t know how I didn’t see this before… but Rachel was watching her older sister have SIX sons and there she was unable to have even 1. Rachel felt forgotten by God. She felt overlooked, desperate and unheard by God.
Oh but in verse 30 of that story comes the meat…
“God remembered Rachel and he opened her womb….”
There in that car that day, God came and said to me,
You are neither unseen, nor forgotten by me.
I have seen every tear, heard every cry.
I have seen every tear, heard every cry.
“And remember I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28:20
Matthew 28:20
and he’s saying the same to you.
You are seen by the God of the universe. He knows our situations, he knows our hearts. He knows our pain and inadequacies, he sees the imperfections and loves us still. He will not abandon you. He has not forgotten you. HE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU! YOU! YOU!
You are of GREAT worth to him. Believe this truth.
The next day, I was sitting in our little blow up swimming pool in the backyard with Winslow. She was playing and I was thinking about what God had been speaking to me, feeling encouraged.
Somehow, I got distracted by the stretch marks on the sides of my hips. I was thinking to myself, ‘man… those are a bummer.’
just when I look down, I hear a splash and Winslow has slipped and gone under a little bit. I reached over to help her out and God brought to mind the story of Peter on the water with Jesus and I felt him say,
“This is why things have been so hard, Blair. This is why it’s not working out the way it’s supposed to.”
I realized that just like Peter, I am focused on my imperfections. I focus on all my “motherhood stretch marks” and the things about myself I don’t like. I focus on the situation, the realities…
It’s when I take my eyes off of Jesus, that someone falls. I fall, my babies suffer, Garrett suffers.
I just felt in my heart that day that if I don’t start really relying on the Spirit to live through me instead of worrying about everything I’m not… my sweet babies are in danger.
All that to say…
friend,
wherever you are today…
Get your eyes off your own issues… your own insecurities, and your failures and shortcomings.
Instead of making sure everyone knows the ways you failed that day, make sure they know what God did in and through you that day.
Boast in his goodness & faithfulness.
I’d much rather hear about that than what cranny of your house you didn’t clean, what part of your body you hate, what your greatest weakness is.
You are a prized gift of God.
A Seen, Remembered, Prized gift of God.
be encouraged, because I am walking the same road you are…
the road to believing God and turning my eyes on Him.
You are NOT alone.
